a nice title

People told me dat all d titles sound disastrous. So am changing it. Lemme sing you all a song.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
Its a special dedication to myself.

Hey its okie to involve in sef-indulgence sometime!

hateville

I live in Hateville in my mind. I have become disastrous and disgusting. For example this guy I know called me on my birthday. Now usually I would have been rude and asked him to fuck off. But silly me decided to be nice to this guy because it was MY birthday. So I started the call nicely, ended it nicely too. Now this guy sounded genuinely happy that I was being nice. So the next day he tried again but this time he messaged me. But he acted like a dick-head. So again I made it clear to him that he was not the kind of guy I would make a life with in a million years. Then I realised that it made me happy to be my usual self and chase him away than to be nice to him. The next day even Nandhu had to face the wrath. He did not call me on a Sunday and it pissed me off. I know what you are thinking. That's no reason to be angry. Yes, it was no reason to be angry. And yes, it cost me the love of my life. I dont know if he would ever call me again. But it does not matter to me anymore. Its not really the reason itself. But it was his attitude that pissed me off. He took me for granted. It should not have bothered me ideally. But it did. And boy! what a fight we had! And we also decided to call it quits. I know. All for a fucking phone call that he did not make. So see? I live in Hateville. I feel like a moron who does not how to respect others' space. I even feel like a dick-head myself. I know I hurt people. And Jesus Christ! where on Earth do I find words like those when I fight?? I need a distraction. And when I spoke to Nandhu today he told me that I dont trust him enough which is why I keep fighting. It is true. I had to listen to it from the horse's mouth to realise it. But it was too late to tell him that and besides if I accepted the fact it would mean that he would never like me enough ever again. But that's just me. I always ruin my life. Sometimes I feel like a kid being so immature all the time. But that's only with Nandhu. Otherwise I take care of my family and brother and friends and they have had no complaints. Not until I met Nandhu again atleast. So maybe it is good that we had the fight. My mind feels elated after I had that fight. I am able to breathe easy now. I was feeling all worked up until then. Now am feeling better. So am not really a psycho. Thank God for that. And he is not a saint. Thank God for that again. Because if he were he would have been upset that I dont trust him. But he seemed to feel relieved himself that he said it. So there you go realisation is good for health. So is a good fight. But I did not quite feel hate towards him. Maybe because it was my mistake this time. Ahem! Its always my mistake. I am so inclined to making myself look like a jerk every alternate day. For the super chill person that I used to be, I have certainly changed for the worst. Imagine, I dont even let him sleep peacefully. It's not just him. I do that to my parents too. I get all worked up when they want to do something that requires my attention. I end up feeling miserable that I could not even take the slightest pressure. I use strong words again. The words hurt me. I know it ruins my parents. Yesterday mom asked me if I loved her as much as she loved her mother. So I was happy to answer that one and said 'Of course I do'. But she said that she did not beleive that I loved her as much. That hurt like crazy. Then I kind of realised what it feels like when I have to say the same thing to Nandhu. But then I thought, that's my mother. What she says might hurt me. But he would not feel the same way necessarily. So what do I do? I really need help. Where do I start? I would not want to see a shrink because the next time there is trouble I would want to go to him immediately. Maybe a distraction. Maybe an adventure. Or better yet, I should just run away. To a distant land. Goa. Yipppeeeeee. I could become a saint there. I could tatoo all over my body and wear all the jewels one could think of. Even smoke some grass everyday. Sing funny songs. My own songs. And to earn money I could become a professional killer. Take lives to make a living. Does it sound cool or what! I think I would be better off killing people and making lives miserable than trying to be nice. People realise their careers during the course of life. When you are good at something,take it up as a profession. So am going to do exactly that. So anybody who needs to kill,ruin,damage,break,hurt lives, call me.

To Krish

Hi monki,
U will always be a monki and a bad grand son. hehe. Am happy dat there is someone who takes d time to chat wit me though u sound completely stupid. But seriously, u r an amazing friend. More than anything else, it is gud to talk to u. I am glad dat there is a Badaga in this world who thinks like me. And where can there be a monki who is as brilliant as u and a badaga who is as dumb as u and I??? I donno if ur bunch of moronic friends tell u this but u r a friend in deed. Nybdy who has seen ur picture think u r my brother. But I tell them dat I adopted u and dat u are spending all my money in Australia(evil laugh). Don worry abt ur future krish. There are a lot of things dat can go wrong before u do one thing right. when u do d right thing once, nothing else will matter. Not ur past,present or ur future. It doesn matter if d beginning seems difficult. Besides u know who is there to help u. And u know who will kick u if u do d wrong things. I know u will make me proud. If u dont I will make sure dat u don see daylight nymore(evil laugh again). And Krish, thanks a ton. For being there when I needed to scream or cry. U have been a wonderful lil monki. But monki, u r very patient for being a guy. U r amazing. Am sure there will be a nice girl in ur life though u can b a lil monkish at times. But all d same I hope u come here soon so we can start our restaurant together. I hope u come here soon so u don feel lonely nymore. So u stop spending my money(hahahahahh). And please adopt ur grnad mother and buy me all d things a gud son wud buy for their grand mother. And remain a gud boy.
Nive

a morning

Yawn! Yawn! Another boring day. Stretch! Stretch! No Yoga. No Gym. No Tennis. No lifestyle. Just another day. A cup of coffee dat smells like cockroach puke. Vessels dat need to b washed. But a sink dat smells like a thousand cockroaches puke. Blea!Blea! A toilet dat smells like a night club dat is frequented by vampires. Golly! When do I get it all cleaned??? Oh! D maid is on a holiday. Where did she say she was going? I think she said, Bali. Oh sorry it was Billai near Chickmagalur. She wanted my jeans. She was going on her honeymoon. I gave it to her. What are maids for nyways. I can borrow her saree maybe. They look nice and colourful. I have to go back to work tomorrow. Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhh. We have a report to complete. Aaaarrrgghhhh. And all d men at work are old. Yawn! Yawn! Oh damn! I broke the geyser plug last night. Cold shower it will b then. Is dat my stomach growling? Did I have my dinner yet? Breakfast aint enuf. Half a dozen rotten eggs in d coolmac. He's my fridge. Squishy bananas in d fruit basket. I heard dat. ........... I heard dat again. Isnt dat my fone?? Did I hear it squeak?? Its a vintage fone. Under d pillow. In my bag. In d toilet. On d couch. Yep. Found it. All d oldies want to go to d temple. Would I want to join? Hell no. Who is dat again? All d oldies from work want to visit d museum for d well preserved psychos of d world. Am I joining them? I think I might have typhoid. Could be useful if I wanted to bunk work tomorrow. Hunger is blinding me. Oh no. Its d glasses am wearing. It looks spotted. I wonder why. Does it look like a commode to d goddamn flies?? Is dat a crack on d glass? Who could be wearing my glasses when am not around? Have to ask d maid. Aha! My fone. It sounds better. Am I free for lunch? Am not free nytime of d day or night. But if its free food, am not doing nything in d morning, afternoon and night. Oh u wanna go dutch! Sorry am seeing an important person for lunch today. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. My corn flakes..... dont be empty.... cornflakes I love you more than nythin else on earth....u have always been there for me.....please flakes.......be there this time too. Yeah you r still here. Thanks. Sleep of heavens ....overcome me....make me forget d dirt of hell in my house...sleep of heavens. I guess cleaning it is today. Where do I start? I start by finding my maids sister. She would come and clean for my nice pair of still using slippers. Shower me sweet dear lord. Do I have to walk to d next street to fetch d maid? My freud is in d service center. I miss my freud. He has always served me well wit or witout fuel. Alas! He broke down from pressure to perform. I tried to make him feel gud. But he would not listen. He refused to start until he got professional help. I hope he is happy where ever he is. Eeeeeeeeeeeks. Are those my feet???? Or are they cancerous growths on a mildew?? Who cares. So the maid will come in d next 10 minutes. Oh no am in a hurry. So wat if it is a Sunday. I have so many appointments. But I dont like dirty houses! And yes I need to clean d house on a busy Sunday morning. Maids. Do they ever understand d importance of cleanliness! The goddamn fone keeps ringing. hmm its you. Gee, I would love a cup of coffee. Dats d only thing I dont get on this planet. Coffee day? Sure why not. We couldn possibly go to Tea Day for coffee can we? Or Ice cream day. Or gud dinner day. It has to b d ever brown Coffee day. Oh you want to discuss d upcoming project wit ur gud looks at dusk. I can concentrate alright. Yeah I can bring those documents. I can dress up in formals too if u wud like. And I can wear my badge too. Would u want d boss to come along? I can invite him. Why do I even bother wit morons like him! Lord, were u taking a shower when I prayed this morning? I asked u for a nice evening wit a nice guy. Oh next Sunday? Fine then. So shall I go shopping? I guess I could. And by d way, d food processor is not working. Do I leave dat at d service center or throw it out? I'll wait till next Sunday.

Why wud I do dat!!

My friend and I had a bet. He said I am not capable of being overtly sensitive. I din take it up right away but I knew it was close to d truth. I have tried in d past to be extravagant wit emotions. Infact, the last time I tried to sound emotional was such a disaster. I like crying sometime. It makes me feel like I have made d greatest sacrifice ever. But why wud I want to exhibit extreme emotions! It aint like I have lost a body part and have to live wit it for d rest of my life. Maybe its a job dat I wanted or a job I cudn do. But dats alright. I am not d luckiest person on earth to have almost everything I wish for. But sometimes I wish I were d luckiest person. When d room I am sitting in seems like a fort dat has no exit or when all I can see is people who are just as depressed as I, I wish I cud stand out in d rain and close my eyes and feel all d pain go away. I had a friend called John back in school. He said dat when he dreamt about a sunrise early in d morning it was an intuition dat d day was going to b fine. He had his nightmares and he would not come to school dat day. He died in an accident 3 years back. I wonder wat he dreamt of dat day. I dont know if there are angels but sometimes when I need someone to take d depression away, I imagine him saying all those funny things to make me laugh. For a long time now, I have tried to realise wat makes me happy. People certainly dont. If anything they make me wonder if I could be an alien after all. Arent people supposed to b gay normally and feel pain if something terrible happens? I cant believe I think like an idiot most of the time. I dont have a sad life. But something is missing. Inner peace I guess. Though I dont really know wat it means. When I hear someone laugh, it makes me happy. It makes me smile. When I see a train it makes me sad. It reminds of the time I lost, the time that took away the love that I knew. But when I listen to Eminem it makes me happy cos someone sang him almost well. A loud laughter makes me happy. I wasnt so cold long back. And then I grew up and life wasnt so giving anymore. I am sure there are other people who feel the way I do. Am sure there are loads of them hoping for d ray of miracle that wud change their lives for d better. It need not b a better lifestyle necessarily, it cud b something dat lets us rest in peace at d end of a long day. Maybe d ability to sleep the moment we close our eyes witout having to think about all d things dat needs to b done d next day and d day after. D ability to eat d food on d plate becos its tasty and not cos we wud die witout eating. D strength to help mom clean d house though u r tired cos dats d time mom is going to let u know wat worries her d most. D strength to sit through d discussion u have wit dad though its about ur future dat seems blurry to him. D will to watch WWE wit ur brother when u know dat u don remember those wrestlers name nymore and ur brother thinks u r too old now. D will to say 'no' when ur girl friend/boy friend wants to leave u for gud no matter how saintly u r feeling at d moment. They dont sound difficult, they are not difficult to do either. I find it sad when my guy friends say dat the love of their life got married and they were not d groom. 9 out of 10 guys have d same sad story in their lives. And when they narrate it they make it sound like they are d most noble people on earth cos they din trouble d gal too much. And most of them were told by d gal itself dat she was gettin married. They have no proof. Forget d proof, din they feel like losers!! Din it occur to them dat she might not have taken them seriously at all?? And they have d same story to tell until they find a gal who is d real love of their lives until she leaves them. I know it sounds romantic to say 'Call me old fashioned , but I believe dat when u love someone u have to give them watever they need even if it is divorce' . But wudn u want to know why they want it if they were in love wit u? One of my friends said dat his girl friends' father had a heart attack and wanted his daughter to marry a guy of his choice cos he tot he wud die immediately! He is still alive of course and wit no offence to fathers, I think my friend was trying to b d icon of sacrifice though he knows now dat he fell for d old, my- father- is- sick- and- I- am- my- fathers- favourite- daughter' trick. Again there are no love stories witout losers. So we will live wit dat I guess.

theory of distance relationship

The theory is painful. A relationship simply does not exist with distance. Its not so difficult to deal with. Cos after a while, you will just want to be out of it. And sources tell me that its more so with men. I find it funny that men need to see the face and the body when women live with hope. Atleast most of the time. I mean there are women who have no idea about how fat or how handsome their men are getting and yet lead a life. Its not like they dont care but they dont care about how they look. And no matter what they do they love to go back home to their men, not their neighbours' men. See, that's the theory. Men ruin relationships just by not wanting it anymore when they are away. But women can ruin a relationship by trying to keep it. Either ways the relationship is lost. And that's sad cos both of them would have wanted to keep it at some point during the hay days. There are a few friends who have been through this. But they came out unscathed. But not everybody is lucky. Some of them were at the brink of death when it happened. It does seem like a petty issue when compared to the vast number of things that happen around us. Sometimes you will have to live with it. Its a matter a of few nights sleep, a little loss of apetite, a loss of active thinking and a whole lot of tears.. But who would notice anyway? Unless you are a scientist and you have started creating a monster in a lost mind, alls fine. The last time that happened to a scientist he went to jail for cloning his assistant instead of the rabbit. That's not funny. This assistant's boyfriend did not want her anymore cos he thought the clone looked better. And the rabbit's boyfriend ditched her cos he thought that if the scientist din think that she was not gud enuf to be cloned then he doesn need her. But really, can you imagine how it would feel if you built your dreams on someone and they decided to break it? Its difficult to imagine I guess.