hateville

I live in Hateville in my mind. I have become disastrous and disgusting. For example this guy I know called me on my birthday. Now usually I would have been rude and asked him to fuck off. But silly me decided to be nice to this guy because it was MY birthday. So I started the call nicely, ended it nicely too. Now this guy sounded genuinely happy that I was being nice. So the next day he tried again but this time he messaged me. But he acted like a dick-head. So again I made it clear to him that he was not the kind of guy I would make a life with in a million years. Then I realised that it made me happy to be my usual self and chase him away than to be nice to him. The next day even Nandhu had to face the wrath. He did not call me on a Sunday and it pissed me off. I know what you are thinking. That's no reason to be angry. Yes, it was no reason to be angry. And yes, it cost me the love of my life. I dont know if he would ever call me again. But it does not matter to me anymore. Its not really the reason itself. But it was his attitude that pissed me off. He took me for granted. It should not have bothered me ideally. But it did. And boy! what a fight we had! And we also decided to call it quits. I know. All for a fucking phone call that he did not make. So see? I live in Hateville. I feel like a moron who does not how to respect others' space. I even feel like a dick-head myself. I know I hurt people. And Jesus Christ! where on Earth do I find words like those when I fight?? I need a distraction. And when I spoke to Nandhu today he told me that I dont trust him enough which is why I keep fighting. It is true. I had to listen to it from the horse's mouth to realise it. But it was too late to tell him that and besides if I accepted the fact it would mean that he would never like me enough ever again. But that's just me. I always ruin my life. Sometimes I feel like a kid being so immature all the time. But that's only with Nandhu. Otherwise I take care of my family and brother and friends and they have had no complaints. Not until I met Nandhu again atleast. So maybe it is good that we had the fight. My mind feels elated after I had that fight. I am able to breathe easy now. I was feeling all worked up until then. Now am feeling better. So am not really a psycho. Thank God for that. And he is not a saint. Thank God for that again. Because if he were he would have been upset that I dont trust him. But he seemed to feel relieved himself that he said it. So there you go realisation is good for health. So is a good fight. But I did not quite feel hate towards him. Maybe because it was my mistake this time. Ahem! Its always my mistake. I am so inclined to making myself look like a jerk every alternate day. For the super chill person that I used to be, I have certainly changed for the worst. Imagine, I dont even let him sleep peacefully. It's not just him. I do that to my parents too. I get all worked up when they want to do something that requires my attention. I end up feeling miserable that I could not even take the slightest pressure. I use strong words again. The words hurt me. I know it ruins my parents. Yesterday mom asked me if I loved her as much as she loved her mother. So I was happy to answer that one and said 'Of course I do'. But she said that she did not beleive that I loved her as much. That hurt like crazy. Then I kind of realised what it feels like when I have to say the same thing to Nandhu. But then I thought, that's my mother. What she says might hurt me. But he would not feel the same way necessarily. So what do I do? I really need help. Where do I start? I would not want to see a shrink because the next time there is trouble I would want to go to him immediately. Maybe a distraction. Maybe an adventure. Or better yet, I should just run away. To a distant land. Goa. Yipppeeeeee. I could become a saint there. I could tatoo all over my body and wear all the jewels one could think of. Even smoke some grass everyday. Sing funny songs. My own songs. And to earn money I could become a professional killer. Take lives to make a living. Does it sound cool or what! I think I would be better off killing people and making lives miserable than trying to be nice. People realise their careers during the course of life. When you are good at something,take it up as a profession. So am going to do exactly that. So anybody who needs to kill,ruin,damage,break,hurt lives, call me.