e-mail from my beloved.

i was havin the usual EOD meeting when you had called. I don't find no reason toavenge you. things that I feel, my thoughts and my thought process are waybeyond your understanding.

and yes, i'm way too busy with work these days and no time for social life.whether i like it or not i'm gonna have to live with it for some time atleast.

well as for good times and bad times, i dint need nobody in the past and wouldntneed anybody in the future. i guess dont think i need consultation about when,how and with whom i can build a home with. besides that, i do care for ramona,thats nobodys business.

there was never an opportunity for me to introduce you to my folks as I was inChennai. I made an effort to meet your folks by coming to cbe.

and yes I dont feel like saying 'get lost bitch' and wouldnt say so. I mean it.I've cursed you enough one time. I still regret it. I still feel embarassed.(i'm not trying to look good here)


its not like i hate you and you aint bad. just don't feel the majic. don't knowwhats right & what wrong. not your fault. completely mine.

i aint worth it.

thanks,


My once beloved did not put his name of course. But this e-mail did it all. Last night, I did most of the talking and the crying but I survived. And that line in red.. that hurt like crazy.
But somehow it all makes sense. When I was sane he loved me. Now that I do not seem sane to myself in any way, I would not expect him to love me as much. But I dont know if I would ever be able to come to terms with that. I feel so lost all of a sudden.
Another one of those first times I guess. But I did learn something. It feels nice to cry. Certainly not nice to embarass someone. Sometimes things do not seem real when they happen. But alas! we have to learn to live with it. One day my grandpa told me that it does not matter if you tarnish your reputation, but you have to know to live with that gracefully without making it seem like a sin. Otherwise you might never do anything to change what people think of you. I do not really know how this relates to what I wanted to convey, but it rings in my head. Relationships do not really last with distance. We only live thinking it might work one day or the other. As long as you chose to remain silent about the distance it might work when you meet again. I know all those people who have made it work. But they did not really stay apart and met too often. They are smart people who know to manage their relationships. Be it any relationship, it wont be too long before it falls apart if you do not see the person for too long. It could happen with parents let alone your love. And it does not help if you scream out loud. What's worse than not being able to be with that someone you cannot live without? Finding out that you are actually George Bush's daughter through his foreign affairs I guess. Or maybe finding out that you would die in the next 5 minutes. I wake up every morning and hope to be Uma Thurman by magic. What I really hope for is to be with that him. See, it does not matter if you want to be someone else to be with that one person in your life. It matters if that person also wants to be someone else for someone else. Errr.. It should make sense. I do not remember the last day I woke up happy. Sigh!