disastrous

Egad! My life is as disastrous as the sandstorm in Iraq. I cant talk without confessing something about myself. I cant stop complaining. I am just so awful. I lose cell phones, cameras, notebooks, spectacles, even clothes.. But how do I lose people? I cant stop thinking that I probably am a loser. All the time I mess up. If danger happens to say "Hi" I run away. I dont even know if I am good enough to face it. Somedays I dig deeper into the rug hoping I could disappear. I live such a lonely life. No one to look up to, no one to look down upon. Earlier, I look at a gas tank and am hoping that it would topple and create a disaster. Now, I look at the gas tank and scare myself to death. I act like a freak. I am scared that I have become one already. Yeah right! Dont believe me. I so love being the weirdo that I am. Infact people who talk to me everyday dont know what to expect and what not to. I love it when people hate me. It really doesnt matter anymore cos no one ever does anything for the heck of it anymore. Half of the population dont know where the rest of the population came from. Is it possible to be an alien and not realise it? What am I saying? I am a nice person by birth or so I would like to believe. There should be a marathon for 'running a marathon for a cause is absolutely normal'. I certainly would not run it. I have never run a marathon before. That makes me think. Am I indifferent to my fellow human beings? Am I too indifferent to their causes? But there are no marathons run where I live. But honestly, I cant run. I am too lazy. Why am I talking about marathons anyway? I am not a romantic person. I would love to write something romantic though. But it really is important to be romantic I guess. My relationships have never worked. Not like I had too many. But I tried to make the one work and I failed. I tried again and I failed. What can a human being do besides thinking about it and wishing that they had done better? Sometimes I get so irritated with myself. But most of the times I just laugh. Always been clumsy and always will. And I find people extremely irritating. I know I am not very people friendly. Everything feels like a daze sometime. Like I was in the middle of this big puzzle garden and the exit is infested with worms that crawl all over you. You know the way out. But its a nightmare. And the entrance is a big black hole of nothingness. I have hence stopped analysing and started hating. It really helps me sometime because people dont call me and chat anymore. Nobody calls me their friend anymore. I dont receive junk mails anymore. What more could I ask for! Now, just because I say all this does not mean that I have nothing to worry about. What I started off hoping that I would not have too many things to worry about has only added to my ill being. Everybody else is worried about me which is pissing off. They are always talking about me. At a get together, at the club, at the pool, at the game... its really really irritating. I am not a rebel. I am not an animal. I am most certainly not wild. I only want to be left alone. But that becomes very difficult for people to understand I guess. So people keep trying to reform me. Really, what about me would they want to reform. These days all I do is sit back and watch. Its amazing to watch some people who try to understand me. Good move I would say. But am not the right person. These people keep talking, ask too many questions and in the end dont know what to think of me. Some people think they know it all. They really piss me off. I forget these people until they talk to me again. Maybe one day I would be found dead before time. But I am hoping that I could be a little more human so my parents dont cry alone.....